Archive for December, 2010


a fool’s dream!

i’m looking at one of the pictures in my whatever number of facebook photos. as is the norm, people are smiling widely with their teeth flashing, or making “sexy” poses. everyone looks happy. but anyone who knows people that there are few people who are generally happy. behind every face their is a story, behind every smiling party person, is a struggling youngish 20-something. disappointment, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, misery, struggle. these glossy photos dont tell those stories.

i look at my photos. some on the beach, some in the pub, some at home. all of them i see myself and my friends laughing and enjoying. what about the sad times? what about the times when we hold each other and cry? what about the times when it seems like fate is playing against us? what about the times when we try to so hard for something, and poof, it slips right out of our hands. what about the times when we lose someone we love? what about the times when our actions bring nothing but disappointment or agony to someone who cares?what about the times when the world makes us feel worthless… i could go on but i’m sure anyone who is reading this will relate to one or the other story.

call me selfish but i want everyone to be happy so that i can be happy. because i cannot stand seeing some one i care about suffer. but in base reality, i wanna be convinced that true happiness does exist, despite the negative emotions… despite the loses, the blows, the hurts, the falls, the shocks and the sorrow we might experience. i want to know that smiles we see on people faces in their facebook profile last longer than the instant the photo was taken…. i wanna be convinced that happiness is not a fool’s dream

the S word

ok so today i was bored (as usual) and a friend suggested a website where one can chat with random strangers all over the world.  so i went to the website and guess what i found. a whole bunch of random strangers looking for sex. like almost everybody i met was interested in only sex, sex and more sex. obviously it was more guys than girls who said stuff like “wanna have sex tonight” or “wanna f***” but there were women also.. or maybe they where just 50 year pedophiles. who knows.

anyway, the point is, what is the big deal with sex. and more surprisingly why are so many people looking for it online…. with RANDOM PEOPLE. okay, i know its fun and it feels bloody good blah blah blah… but there is a global and frightening obsession with sex. yeah m sure that sex with strangers is fun and mysterious and exciting… but on the internet?????? really???? guys, why don’t you grow those balls which you proudly brag about and go talk to a REAL WOMAN. and maybe behave nicely and get laid. and GIRLS, i’m sure those among you who are desparate for sex dont need advice on how to get it…. (given how almost every man on earth is horny 97% of the time)

i wonder… could it be, despite all the skepticism, that sex is indeed just a form of intimacy? that its not as baseless as internet freaks make it look like. yeah sure its a good time, and yeah sure sex with strangers is no strings attached, no responsibilities, just pure wild fun. but is it possible that underneath all this so called hedonism is a core of human need for companionship?  could it be possible that a person experiences such loneliness that even that five minutes (and thats too much for most men :P) if intercourse brings you close to another person? connection with another soul in the great sphere of life? i am by no means a purist who believes in sex after marriage or sex with THE ONE (heck unless you try how would you even know who is THE ONE) but i want to believe there is more to this world than just plain ….. debauchery??? greed??? lust??? i dont know how you would put it…

but then again, looking for the good in humans is now sorely overrated. maybe the world is indeed morphing into a  bunch of morons who are so desparate that they are happy with  a fake picture of a girl with silicone implants, the words of probably some one whose grandpa joe in some far away country, and making themselves happy following the “right hand rule”… maybe thats just how the world works.

you know who you are, when you read this. you are my merciless puppeteer, who pulls my strings. ok, i’l stop with the  boring metaphors, but i still want to talk about you. i know how people all over say its lame and stupid to be “gushing” about this other person… but guess what, i dont care. 🙂

i want you to know how much your every word and action matters to me, even though it may not seem that way. i do seem like a floozy to, and even to myself at times, but sorry pal.. that’s just the way i work. your every mood swing, when you smile at me, when u let on how much u adore me, when your’re angry with me… i can feel all of that. i can sense it in my veins. i’m sure you can do so too, however hard i try to hide it. you pull my strings. you push my buttons. you are becoming a master manipulator and you know exactly how to mesmerize me.

maybe we aren’t so traditional. maybe we aren’t conventional. maybe our hopes and dreams differ, and our outlook to life points two separate ways. but we are still intimately connected in some way. you amuse me and exasperate me… i know you like myself, but some parts of you are still mysterious. i feel distant to you but bonded to you by some invisible rope that stretches across 3000km… you are like a my mirror image… right there.. but not there…

you can make me dance to your tunes and yet you can teach me to be independent. you form an integral part of any decision i make or step i take… and i want you to do that…

all i can say is that your an evil boy who has more charm over me than anyone possibly can… and i (probably a bit grudgingly) love that :). yes people of the world… i AM EXACTLY THAT LAME.. and sometimes i just can’t care less 🙂

spider web

once a friend asked me a question… why is the human mind so weak and fragile? when i was talking and explaining to him, i thought i had it all figured out. i was proud and sure of myself, saying stuff like “no, u don’t know your own strength” and all the other cliches that follow. but today i realized just how wrong i was: how the human mind is like a spider’s web: technically the stuff that makes a web is as strong as steel but one slight blow and the entire web can collapse- strength and fragility existing hand in hand. the more i think about it, the more i see the likeness between the web and the mind. the web is also beautiful and intricate. it supports the spider, gives it a home and a way to exist, but one careless motion of a hand or a strong gust of wind can bring down the entire structure. the mind is also a labyrinth or intricate thoughts, ideas and dreams… it is our source of strength and pride. but all that’s required is one word, one careless gesture to bring it down.
i never realized how single comment could give a blow to myself esteem. i already doubt myself and my abilities and a single comment spoken in jest makes a difference. its funny how this works at times. how a small thing can make so much of a difference. how i have sometimes just something is an offhand manner but i actually end up hurting some one.
i want to be a writer but i dun think i can. i think at one level i’m either too weak or too scared to face reality, or criticism.
as dom cobb indicates in Inception: a single niggling thought can become an idea and that idea can influence everything about you and your actions. the idea controls you. what you think is what you are. thats why again the human mind is like a spider web. you have to tread carefully or else you may get trapped in it.

I miss You

The walk towards the gate stretches for miles.
I can hear the deep purring of the plane’s engines,
beyond the glass window.
I turn and I can see you,
standing there!
Smiling at me.
“I’m gonna miss u”,
u say… i know that.
One last time I turn around,
the last moment, before I leave,
I catch the last glimpse of ur everlasting smile.
Two months widout you will be like years.
U r my elixir, my sustenance

I finally board the plane and buckle up.
as the great metal bird rises in the sky,
I look down and see the lights.
A whole new world!
Everything looks so different,
so beautiful..
I think of last night,
Just u and me beneath the stars.
U laughed wen i hummed “leaving on a jet plane”.
but still u smelled my hair deeply,
and said “I’m gonna miss u!”

I get of the plane
six hours later.
People waiting anxiously to see me,
rush right into my arms.
For a while i forget u,
I forget my old world,
I relive my past, my new world…
My transient abode.
but yet, later after all the excitement,
wen I look outside the window
and breathe the frosty cold air,
i think of u.
U called me yesterday,
“I miss u so much”
I no dat…. and I miss u too…
constantly…

The memories swirl round my head.
The funny way in which u say stuff,
Ur constant cribbing; annoyin but amusing,
the way ur fingers feel on my skin,
and when u kiss me,
I feel like i have eveything I want!

Time flows like it always does,
taking its own sweet time.
And soon it time to come back…
The reversal of feelings!
I feel the same for my loved ones,
as they say goodbye and wipe their tears.
I wipe my tears and walk towards the plane.
the walk towards the gate stretches for miles.
I dun wanna come back for anything but u.
U r my reason, u r my happiness.
I dun wanna come back,
but I cant wait to see u!

she oftens wonders y she is here!
or y the way is never clear?
y are the answers always obscured in a veil of oblivion.
she is happy!
but she knows it wont last….
it never does!
happiness, so transient,
a cruel mistress laffing and tossing her flaxen tresses.
she wants to believe that there is a indeed an eden,
light at the edge of the world!
but enveloped in darkness,
she sees the truth!
there is no light, no escape.
every minute she wonders wat will go wrong!
things seem abnormally calm!
she floats about lonely,
unable to connect, unable to feel protected.
her mind;a tortured vortex of madness!
cannot believe in life’s smile.
she was always fascinated wid death!
wil it be somewere were she dint need to live in constant fear?
will it be somewere she can finally find mental peace?
were she can be herself!
aloof dreamy stupid lost absent happy kind….
she wanted to know wat it would feel like!
to suddenly not exist!
like ash, in a frothing brook,
or a fragrance in the summer zephyr.
she asked Him to end it.
not once but many times!
and wen it finally does happen!!!
will it really be the answer?

the familiar pangs are creeping up again.
you wud think having done it before,
this time around it wud be easier.
at least this time!

the familiar agony boils up,
fear, anger, resentment dread.
why cant we learn from experience?
am i really unfixable?

the familiar torture starts all over again.
at first it is just a twinge,
unknowingly gripping ur stomach,
wen u leave ur mirthful eden,
for but a minute.
as the days pass,
the twinge becomes a pain,
which slowly builds up to a crescendo.
shouldnt there be no pain?
atleast this time around?

the familiar regrets haunt once again.
“what should i have done?”
“why didn’t i do it???”
not trying to correct the mistakes of my past,
becomes yet another tick
in your mistake-book.
i wish i wud have not done what i did,
and i wish i wud have done what i did not,
but now, my time’s over
and the wait begins again.

the familiar pangs are creeping up again.
you wud think having done it before,
this time around it wud be easier.
at least this time!

Stifled.
The boy lay dying.
Death walks among us.

he spends his last five minutes,
gasping, thrshing.
deep breaths…
Acceptance???

he closes his eyes.
he is walking in a sylvan land.
golden sunlight,
pouring in through the trees.
the smells of the forest,
the wild thyme, mint, rosemary.
overpowering the senses.
peace, light.

his eyes open with another gasp.
Pain.
tremors rock his body,
epicentering at the bleeding, throbbing wound on his chest.
Blood flows,
heart slows.
tears flow from his eyes.
unable to decide whether to fight or fly.

his eyes close again.
he walks the forest,
happy and whole,
amidst the birdsong.
Happiness!

Reality begins to distort,
the sharp line between life and death,
slowly dissolves.
his eyes become glossy,
he stares at the roof;
at the walls covered with his blood.
and he sees,
Sunlight.
Dust rays,
creeping between trees,
like friendly strangers,
beckoning to him.

i’m not afraid to admit hw much u affect my every conscious tot!
i’m not afraid to discover every day that this love is limitless endless and astounding, each day and each moment filled with its own fascination, its excitements…
i’m not afraid to wander beyond my comfort zones for u… to put my heart through the test and emerge evrytime stronger than ever.
i’m not afraid to face each day- no matter how bleak it may seem, no matter how dark the world looks to me, no matter how confusing or discouraging the path may be… as long as you are arnd…
i’m not afraid of being vulnerable… not afraid of trusting even though it may b a mistake… m not afraid to take a risk.. a leap of faith.
i’m not afraid of knowing that mebbe sumday… perhaps one day.. all that i have now, i may have lost… or my life will change… or some people may walk out of my life jus as quietly as they walked in and made a place in my heart… becaus ei know that the memories we share… we all share together… will be my pillar of strenght.. to remind me of the good in the world and how things may b as they were.
i’m not afraid to not know how much i love you or how much you love… or wat the future holds for us… because love is intangible and unmeasurable… love does not deserve to be graded and weighed… love does not ask for a return in investment…
and i’m not afraid …. I’m not afraid to play the game… to run this race.. no matter if i win or lose… regardless of the struggle… no matter if the end brings either exhilaration or utter disappointment… because its better to run and give it your best shot and walk away in the end with your head held high and ur heart full of memories… rather than regret the fact that u didnt play at all…

Welcome to my blog!
My name is Rashmi and I think i have a lot to say. Maybe not relevant or important (probably not even interesting) but stuff nonetheless. So i hope this blog is a way through which i can express myself and perhaps gain a little popularity 😛
well, i’m 20… i’m ok looking and i have an over active imagination. i am crazy and can be pretty annoying. but i like that about myself. you see, as much as i hate disney movies (except for the super adorable animated ones) i think they have an underlying message which is worth listening to… Be Yourself. cliche’d but true 🙂
i like fried spicy food, lancome’s magnifique, integrated circuits, writing stuff, reading stuff, travelling, cold weather and beautiful photographs.
i dont like brinjal, show-offs, mosquitoes, my skin and traffic jams.
my ambition is to become a person i love and everybody around loves. i wish that i become smart enough to make a positive change that would affect people globally. I also wish that one day i would have enough money to buy an LV bag, Prada shoes and a valentino dress all in one afternoon of shopping.
my favourite movies are Memoirs of a Geisha, Titanic, Inception, the Sound of Music and Good Will Hunting
my favourite musicians are Coldplay, maroon 5, linkin park and Rihanna
so this blog will contain some of the stuff i have written a long time ago and some of the random stuff i would want to share with the world for reasons unknown 😛
i hope you dont get bored… happy reading 😀